Cabaret Time
by Trurotaketwo
Summary: When visiting Rutger at the town hall, Phillip is asked to help prepare a cabaret, in order to raise money to fix the Church roof. Despite the pair's best efforts, they end up hopelessly humiliated.
1. Chapter 1

Cabaret Time

By Truro

Chapter 1

Phillip walked along the cobbles of Bluebell village, with a radio tucked under his arm. Presently, he came to the town hall. He went inside to see the mayor and seek his advice.

The right Hon. Mayor Rutger sat behind his desk, looking at the world outside. He looked as though he were trying to start work on a piece of art but just wasn't getting the inspiration. His eyes turned to Phillip and he stood up.

"Good afternoon, Phillip. What can I do for you?"

"Well, Mr Mayor, I was just wondering if you knew anyone who's handy with electronics."

"Electronics? Why is something wrong?"

Phillip would have thought that it was obvious. Generally, when people who have a radio tucked under their arm, and they ask you if you know anyone good with electronics, then it's a telltale sign that their radio needs to be fixed.

"Well, there's something wrong with my radio. I let my cows out to graze then went to listen to today's weather report, to make sure that it wasn't going to rain. All I seem to get is static."

"Well, I'll see if I can find the business address of a repair man for you."

Rutger scanned the desk for his file of business cards. There was something rather sloppy about the mayor today. Phillip had always known Rutger to be on the ball as far as running the town went. Rutger, having found the file at last, opened it up, flipped through a few pages and pulled out a card. He passed it to Phillip.

"Here, they should take care of everything."

Phillip's eyes scanned the card. His eyebrows sprang clean off his face.

"I don't really think these people can help me, sir."

"Why not?"

"Because this is the address of a funeral parlour."

Rutger did a double take.

"Oh good heavens! I'm sorry! My mind is just not on my work at all today!"

Phillip scratched the back of his head, watching the old man rummage through his file in his panic stricken state.

"Is something bothering you? Can I be of assistance with anything?"

The words slipped out of his mouth without him thinking about them. Phillip's biggest weakness was his inability to pass by a problem and not try to help. In fact his daily inspection and answering of the town message board earned him the reputation of local agony aunt. In his free time he would have liked nothing more than to go fishing, court the local beauties or just sit around drinking coffee, but thanks to his chronic case of Dudley Do-Right syndrome, often found himself on the receiving end of some request.

"Well, you see, the church roof is leaking. The roof has more holes in it than the plot to a Michael Bay movie. The problem is, I only found about it after I solidified the plans for this year's budget."

"Can't you just revise the plans?"

"I can't. I've already sent a good deal of the money off. Besides, the builders have already started doing their road works."

That was going to be very inconvenient when Phillip went riding to Konohana. There's nothing more frustrating than when you're riding along, you're in a hurry and all off a sudden more useless road works come up, blocking off part of the road and enforcing single lane traffic. If it was a main road, he could understand, but why the hell were they putting traffic lights up in a forest?

"So basically, I need to find a way to raise money for the repairs."

"Maybe you could have a concert here at the town hall and sell tickets." Phillip subjected.

"That's not a bad idea. The problem is Mikal's away for the summer. But I do like the idea of selling tickets for something. Come with me into the study."

"What about my radio? Where should I put it?"

"Oh? Oh! It'll be safe behind the desk. Now come! We must have a brainstorming session!"

They went into the study and the mayor poured a pot of tea.

"Would you like a tea or coffee?"

"I'll have a cup of tea please."

They sat at the table, hot drinks in hand with pens and paper ready to make notes: it was like the sort of detective work you'd see a middle aged amateur sleuth (or a very laid back police constable) doing in an M.C. Beaton novel.

"Now, what can the main event be? What would people be willing to buy tickets to go and see?" Rutger asked.

"Well, sometimes over in Konohana…"

Phillip paused noting that Rutger's finger clenched very tightly around the handle of his tea cup and his pinkie coiling inwards to make a fist. Mayor Rutger of Bluebell and Mayor Ina of Konohana were still in the midst of a conflict. If Phillip hadn't met Rutger's wife Rose, he would have sworn that the two mayors were a married couple. They certainly bickered like one.

"Go on." Said Rutger.

Phillip cleared his throat before continuing his anecdote.

"Well, sometimes at Yun's teahouse, they do talent nights. The last time I was there, Reina (she's a botanist) and Nori (her granddad owns the seed shop) got the biggest applause with a song and dance number. The song went…well, the lyrics were all in Japanese, but I think the song was called _Sweet Magic_."

"I can't say that I've ever heard it. A good song, was it? You said it got the biggest applause that night."

Phillip sat back. A somewhat lustful grin spread across his face as he remembered the dance.

"Yes, but having two beautiful girls singing it with a well coordinated dance routine certainly helped."

"A song one can't understand the lyrics to won't be to everyone's tastes. But I like the idea of a cabaret. It's certainly more sophisticated than a karaoke."

As the brainstorming session went on, the conversation went from entertainment, to food.

"A five course dinner would go down a treat." Said Rutger.

"I suppose I could donate some ingredients. I usually harvest a lot of onions in the summer time."

"You grow tomatoes around this time of the year as well, don't you?"

"Yes, that's right. Onions, tomatoes, corn…"

They continued the discussion and made more notes.

"So, what do we have for menu ideas?"

Phillip looked at his notes.

"I was thinking about a herb salad, if I can get my hands on some lavender. Then I think tomato soup, since I grow a lot of tomatoes in summer. For the appetizer we can make roasted mushrooms, since we can easily get a lot of mushrooms that grow in the wild. Then we have marinated fish for the main course and strawberry shortcake for dessert."

"Splendid! My mouth is watering already!"

Phillip's own stomach gave a whimpering growl.

"Now that you mention it, I'm starting to feel a bit peckish myself. I just remembered that we missed lunch."

His eyes went to the clock in the corner of the room. His mouth dropped open in horror.

"It's night time! My cows! My hens! I'm supposed to get them back in the barn by nightfall! They hate being left out after dark!" he ran over to the chair and snapped his coat on.

"Sorry sir, but I have to run!"

"I understand. We can talk more about this tomorrow."

Phillip ran down the hallway to the front door of the town hall. As long as he got home soon, everything would be fine.

_It could be worse. At least it's not raining_ He told himself.

_It could be worse. At least it's not raining_

_It could be worse. At least it's not raining_

As long as he kept telling himself that, he could focus on getting home. He shot out of the front door.

_At least it's not raining_

_At least it's not raining_

_At least it' not…_

After few feet of running his brain finally registered the cold, wet tingling sensation in his hair and clothes.

_Raining…_

He looked up as the rain clouds themselves were mocking him.

"_**Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooo!**_"


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Working with animals was a double edged sword. You have to feed them, groom them, make sure they get fresh air and exercise and take them to the vet every now and then. But you can't put a price on the love you get in return. To a single young farmer like Phillip, they were his work force, his friends, sometimes he'd even go as far as to say that they were the closest things he had to family. But leave them outside after dark, particularly when it's raining, and you'll soon find yourself working with a bunch of prima donnas. Phillip had a hard time smoothing over the cows hurt feelings. Meg glared daggers at him, outraged by her beautiful fur coat getting wet. Jo gave him the loudest, most aggressive moo you've ever heard, as if telling Phillip to get his head from up his backside. Beth looked as though she was just a shadow of a cow and Amy even took a bite out of Phillip's pants. Then he had to carry his hens, Konata, Kagami, Tsukasa and Miyuki back to their coop one at a time. He put on gloves just in case the irate chickens tried to peck at him as payback for letting them get wet. Finally after much patience, he managed to get everyone back to their warm, dry shelter. He went into his farm house and grabbed the nearest towel. He rubbed his hair dry, changed into dry clothes and put the kettle on for a cup of coffee. While the kettle was boiling, he pondered how to have it. When it came to hot beverages, Phillip wasn't particularly picky. He was happy as long as it was hot and wet.

Did you just think of something dirty? Like Laney out in the rain with her clothes clinging tightly to her slender body, her hair coming loose and cascading down her back with a "come hither" look in her eyes?

Good! Because that's exactly what I was implying!

Joking aside, Phillip did find it interesting to talk to his friends about how they had their coffee. Ash, a local crofter had it straight black, as he usually got up at the crack of dawn and needed as much caffeine as possible. Georgia liked hers with lots of milk and just a pinch of sugar. Cam the florist went for the classy cappuccino with a touch of cinnamon. Then there was Laney. Boy, did she have a sweet tooth when it came to coffee. Milk, double cream, two sugars and when she was feeling naughty a criss-cross pattern of caramel drizzle sauce. This was usually to unwind after a hard day's work. She often called it her big cup of "You bet I earned it!" She must have some great metabolism, to stop that drink from sticking to her hips.

Phillip's preference varied depending on his mood, but tonight, he needed to unwind. So he filled his mug half way up with hot water, stirred in the coffee powder and topped it up with Irish Cream Liqueur. Night cap in hand, he sat back in his comfy chair and reached over to the radio to put on some easy listening music.

When he realised that his finger was jabbing at thin air, he remembered that the radio was broken and back at the tow hall.

"Dammit…"

Next morning, Phillip decided to play it safe and keep the livestock indoors. After taking care of his work, he headed out into town. After stopping by Howard's café for a cup of coffee and a sausage roll, Phillip went to the town hall to get his radio back.

"Ah, Phillip! Good timing!" said Rutger. The mayor fished out a pile of pamphlets from behind the desk. They showed a few pictures of dishes on one side, and the menu for the five course dinner on the other.

"I just finished making these on the printing press. If you have the time, could you help to deliver some of them?"

"Okay." Said Phillip as his bumbling do-gooder instinct kicked in. He picked up a pile of pamphlets and was on his way to the door when he remembered the reason for his visit.

"Oh, by the way, do you have my radio?"

"Oh yes. I knew I was forgetting something."

Rutger rummaged about behind the desk and found the radio. He also passed Phillip a piece of paper with an address on.

"That's the address of the electronics expert. If you take your radio there right now, it might be a good idea to start handing out pamphlets from there too. Now, I just need to phone the talent agency and hire a singer."

As Rutger was picking up the phone and calling the agency, Eileen, the local carpenter came in.

"Hello." said Rutger to the person on the other end of the line "I'd like to hire a girl to perform at the Bluebell town hall in two weeks time."

While he was talking Eileen turned to Phillip.

"Hi. I think I left something back here yesterday." She whispered.

"Me too." Phillip whispered back. "The problem is when you get chatting, you tend to get a bit distracted."

"Oh I know. It's pretty relaxed here considering that it's the town hall. So, what did you leave behind, Phillip?"

"My radio. I came by yesterday to ask if he knew any repair men. How about you?"

"Oh, I left my stripper behind."

"Stripper?" Phillip piped

"_**Stripper?!**_" Rutger called, distracted from his call.

"Yes. You know? My paint stripper?"

Rutger turned back to the phone, very embarrassed.

"Just a moment, please."

He covered the mouth piece with his hand and turned to Eileen.

"It's behind the desk. Ah, here we go." He fished it out and handed it over "There, you are. Now I just need to finish this call."

Phillip and Eileen left the town hall to let Rutger get on with his work. They parted ways and Phillip began his errand. He went to the repair shop to get his radio fixed. With the intention of collecting it later, he began walking along the street, pushing the pamphlets through the letter boxes. It reminded him of his younger days, delivering newspapers back in his old village.

A couple of hours later, he had posted all of his pamphlets. He went back to collect his radio, then went back to work on his farm. Phillip harvested a bumper crop of vegetables, mostly onions, key ingredients to most of the dishes on the menu. After loading his cart with the vegetables, milk and eggs, he rode into the forest to get some more ingredients, To fish, to forage, and if he bumped into Georgia while she was out riding, maybe some other stuff that began with "F".

Finding the mushrooms was easy enough. Though he had to be careful not to pick up any of the poisonous ones. Then he went towards the river with his fishing tackle. This part of gathering ingredients was the fun part. It was nice to relax and wait for the fish to bite. Several hours past. Phillip got a good haul, by the time the sun began to go down. He figured it best to call it a day and rode back into town to deliver all the ingredients he had gathered so far.

Having well earned a break, he stopped by Howard's café on the way home for coffee and sandwiches. When it's quiet in the café and Howard is serving, paying the bill can take longer than usual. Howard loved a spot of gossip. Particularly when his daughter Laney wasn't around to scold him for it.

"I hear that you've been busy as a beaver helping with this dinner party at the town hall."

"Yes, I have. I've just been delivering fliers to advertise it. I take it the mayor's been talking about it."

"Ooh, not only that! He asked me to do the catering!"

"Great! I'm donating a lot of vegetables for the night. It's good to know you'll put them to good use!"

"Oh, I guarantee, your vegetables couldn't be in finer hands!

It wasn't until later that Phillip realised the double entendre and kicked himself..


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Days past, tickets were sold and the number of guests was confirmed. The big night had arrived at last. The dress code was smart casual, so Phillip made sure that his tweed coat was nicely pressed, dabbed on some cologne and made his way towards the town hall. He entered the reception, wondering who he was going to sit with, when Rutger gave him a big hello.

"Ah! Phillip! I'm glad you're here! Could you help me to sell raffle tickets?"

"Raffle tickets?"

"Yes, raffle tickets! You see, I had this idea for making more money for the church roof. Eileen donated a couple of stone sculptures, Cam donated some bottles of perfume and Howard donated some bottles of wine to use as prizes. Obviously, the house is packed, so if I try to do it single handed, It'll be time for the cabaret by the time I finish. So, I would appreciate your help, unless you're busy of course."

Phillip had been busy for most of the day. All he wanted to do was sit down, have a hot meal and enjoy the cabaret. He had the option of saying no. He _always_ had the option of saying no, but he instinctively said yes every time, as long as the person asking him wasn't making a request that was impossible, immoral, illegal or asking him to buy double glazing.

"Okay, where do I start?"

Rutger handed him a roll of tickets.

"Once everyone has arrived, start on the far right of the room and I'll start at the far left. We'll meet in the middle of the room and head to the bar. I'll treat you to a drink!"

Free booze: Who could resist an offer like that? Perhaps it is true that no good deed goes unrewarded.

The door opened and a woman came in. Jet black hair, sharp, bear-like eyes and dressed in red.

"Ina…"

"Rutger…"

"Ina…"

"Rutger…"

"Zira…"

"Simba…"

Nah, just kidding on those last two. The rivalry between mayors Rutger and Ina wasn't so much the leaders of two prides of lions in a bloody war for supremacy over the Pride lands as it was bickering and belittling between two arch enemies seen in a bad sitcom (and a large number of good sitcoms too).

"What, prey, are you doing in Bluebell?"

Ina pulled a ticket out of her pocket.

"A lady named Rose sent this ticket to me in the post."

Rose, Rutger's wife was very much like Phillip in that she wanted for Rutger and Ina to get along. Though some of her ideas to get them talking seemed to be taken straight out of that movie _The Parent Trap_.

Ina continued:

"Usually, I enjoy my evenings playing majong with my son, but as he's spending the night at a friend's house, I thought it would be polite to take her up on her offer."

Rutger was beginning to boil an angry red.

"Well…in that…case…" he said, with his eye twitching "You'd better…make yourself…at home…the bar is right through there."

Ina gave a Japanese bow and went through to the bar.

Ina just happened to be final guest on the list. Rutger hadn't managed to read that far down. After all the names were checked off and everyone was seated, Rutger and Phillip started selling raffle tickets. Ash had brought his little sister Cheryl and their mother Jessica. All three of them bought raffle tickets from Phillip, who wished them luck, but at the same time prayed to the Harvest Goddess that they wouldn't face the awkward predicament of little eight year old Cheryl winning the bottle of wine.

They finally finished selling their tickets and went into the bar. Phillip now faced the most difficult question of that evening.

Which local beauty was he going to sit with at dinner?

Okay, maybe the second hardest.

What to drink tonight? There was of course the locally brewed ale, full of goodness, full of vitamins and good for the local economy. There was the cider, crisp, cold and refreshing. The whiskey, warming, fiery and smooth. The alco-pops that taste good and have great drinkability. In the end, he decided that lager would be the best all-rounder. It was like in a fighting game that you've never played before; you don't know if the big beefy wrester dude's attack power comes with the price of being too slow to land a hit, or if that hot chick in the skimpy outfit will be able to hit hard enough, so you play it safe with the guy that the character select icon starts at.

They took their drinks into the dining room and sat down with Rose and Ina.

_So much for wooing local girls tonight. _Phillip thought.

The two mayors who were arch enemies, old Rose with the energy and mischief of a teenager and Phillip trying to keep the peace. To the other diners the four of them probably looked like a dysfunctional family. Phillip thought it would make a great concept for a sitcom.

After the third course, a young woman came up to the table and tapped Rutger on the shoulder as he was tapping his mouth with his napkin.

"Hello. I'm Veronica. The agency sent me. I'm the entertainment for tonight."

"Ah splendid! Do you have your music with you?"

"Yes, I have it on tape."

"Very good. Come with me and I'll set it up."

He got up and led the girl to the stage. After setting up her tape deck, he switched on the microphone.

"Attention please. It is with great pleasure, that I introduce our guest for this evening, the beautiful Veronica. Please give her a round of applause. It's cabaret time!"

There was a chorus of clapping as Rutger returned to his seat. Veronica went up to the microphone.

"Hey boys. Sit back, relax, and let me be good to you." She finished with a wink. Then she turned her music on. The slow, smooth jazzy sound filled the room. She began to dance. It was a dance that made full use of her body. She stepped seductively into the middle of the floor. Her dancing took the form of elaborate yoga posses.

Then her coat came off. This is where the cow dung started to hit the fan.

All that was under her Macintosh coat was a two piece bikini and red high heeled shoes.

Everybody's mouths fell wide open. Veronica danced over to Rutger's table and sat in Phillip's lap. His mouth moved up and down as if his brain had just exploded. When she got up and moved to the next table, Phillip's face was burning, Rutger was white as a sheet, Rose was fuming and Ina was covering her mouth, trying her hardest not to laugh.

Veronica got up off Phillip's lap and danced over to the next table. She sat in Ash's lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. Ash's face turned as red as a London double decker bus. Phillip and Rutger considered it a divine miracle that his kid sister Cheryl was out of the room.

But then, as if the forces that guide had just cried out "April fool!" Cheryl returned from the bathroom, saw some girl all over her precious big brother and saw red. Like a green bottle rocket, Cheryl dived at Veronica, knocking her off Ash, while biting, scratching and flailing about like a mad pigeon. Jessica leapt off her seat and pulled Cheryl off, before she got hurt. Veronica kicked Jessica in the shin. Big mistake. Parental instinct and blind anger took hold and Jessica pounced on the stripper. Tables and chairs were flying, people were screaming and Ina was throwing her head back in a fit of hysterical laughter.

Rutger met Phillip's eyes.

"Let's stop them!"

Jessica knocked Veronica to the floor with a right hook. Phillip jumped in front of her, with his arms outstretched in a pacifist gesture.

But he was too late, and got socked in the face before Jessica could register who was standing in front of her. The punch sent him spinning to the floor in a crumpled mess.

"Everyone! Please calm yourselves!" Rutger called. "There has been a mix up with the entertainment but I assure you, I will get to the bottom of this!"

Veronica picked herself up and grabbed for something to pull herself up with. Unfortunately, she couldn't see what she had grabbed and hadn't realised that she had grabbed Rutger's belt.

His trousers fell down.

All around the room people gasped and starred. The only sound was Ina, laughing so hard that tears were running down her face.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

Phillip and Rutger sat at the bar. Rutger rocked his whiskey glass back at forth. The click of the ice cubes against the glass was therapeutic and helped to ease his pain. But not by much. Having, smoothed things over with the dancer, persuaded Jessica not to phone the police and become the laughing stock of Bluebell, he desperately needed a liquid anti-depressant. Eve, the barmaid hired specifically for the occasion, held a bag of ice cubes to Phillip's black eye.

"I heard that was some mean right hook Jessica threw at the stripper." She said sympathetically "Pity your cute face got in the way, Phil."

Phillip placed his hand over the ice bag and Eve pulled out an empty glass.

"Another drink honey?"

"Yes please."

There's something to be said about a good barmaid. Sure, nowadays, a lot of them are basically cardboard cut-outs who only ever say "Oh, I don't know!" whenever you ask them a question, but thankfully, there are still some barmaids who remind you of what you love about going to the pub in the first place: good conversation and a sympathetic ear. A good barmaid can heal a broken heart, or at least cure a bad mood by just listening. It also helps if they happen to be a real stunner like Eve.

"I tell you," Rutger said "I have never been so humiliated. Ina's cackling is going to haunt my dreams for the rest of my life."

"Aw, it could have been worse." Said Eve "Now if you weren't wearing your underpants…."

"Please, my dear, that doesn't bare thinking about."

Ina came into the bar, holding a finely chiselled cow statue.

"I just wanted to thank you both for a great evening." She grinned.

Phillip looked at the statue.

"Did you win that in the raffle?"

"Yes, that's right. I think Rose handled the raffle very well considering that you two had to leave to get your wounds seen too."

She held up the statue and admired it.

"That was a bit of good luck, winning this. Every time I look at it, I'll fondly remember this evening!"

She started sniggering again. Rutger buried his face in his hands. Ina turned to Phillip.

"Though I am sorry that you were injured, Phillip. If your face is still sore in the morning, come over to Konohana and we can have the doctor take a look at it. You'll feel better after a bit of acupuncture"

Phillip raised his glass to her and nodded. He didn't like the idea of needles stuck in his face, but he had to admit it was a generous offer.

"Thanks, I might do that. You have a good night."

Ina nodded back then headed to check into the inn for the night.

"I shall never live it down." Rutger sighed. "I may even have to resign from office. But where could I go afterwards?"

"You could always come and help on my farm." Phillip offered.

Nathan, the local priest came into the bar, his face as white as his robes.

Just looking at him, the two men felt a sense of impending doom. That he was going to condemn the two of them to the fiery depths of hell for sins of the flesh. But he wasn't angry. He just looked a bit shaken.

"Well, um…all things considered, I would like to thank you, your honour."

"Thank me?"

"Yes. Rose was telling me that this dinner party raised enough money to repair the roof. Everyone else loved that little pantomime you had between the courses!"

"Pantomime? They thought all that chaos was staged?"

"It wasn't? Hum. Mayor Ina was laughing so hard and she was at the same table as the two of you, so we all thought it was just an act. Grady from the stables was saying that if you weren't doing such a good job as Mayor, you might have a career as a comedian."

After a bit more conversation, Rutger tipped his hat at the priest and Nathan went on his way.

"Well!" said Rutger "Looks like we do get a happy ending after all."

"Yeah." said Phillip "We should celebrate with another round of drinks!"

"A moment ago we were drinking to drown our sorrows and now we're drinking to celebrate?"

"Why not? Booze is perfect for just about anything!"

"Rightly so! Eve! Two pints of your best ale, please!"

The end


End file.
